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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 7, 2014 9:47am-10:18am PST

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( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. listen up. i've known asieve for many years. recently i find out, he can read. also, he can write.
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he wrote a book. which i'm pretty sure that he wrote-wrote while he was supposo be working for me. ( laughter ) obviously he can't read or write so well. it's called "no land's man." i mean he completely ( bleep ) the title. the phrase is no-man's-land. but he wrote "no land's man" which-- oh. i think he's clever. you should get it. here it is, your moment of zen. >> dallas is in london for the big game against jacksonville. unfortunately, they used a bad social media hashtag. hashtag cowboy'tioning sponsorey comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a medical breakthrough in south america. have soccer players regained the use of their hands? then, republicans are address climate change by burning the
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midnight oil. and my guest, science writer steven johnson has a new book and tv series called "how we got to now." i'll talk to him when i get to then. ( laughter ) the upcoming "star wars "movie is titled "the force awakens." it fell asleep during "the phantom menace." this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> steve stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen stephen!
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steep every! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, here popes thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you. thank you so much, forecasts. thanks for being here. there's a lot to cover. nation, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- you know that no one in this country is tougher on crime than yours truly. i say lock them up and throw away the key. also, clearly, tough on keys. ( laughter ) so i'm happy to report that this week, a dangerous fugitive has been brought to justice. >> the 90-year-old man busted for feeding the homeless. arnold abbott is his name. he faces possible jail time and $500 fine for preparing meals for the need nea church kitchen. a nude ordnance in ft. lauderdale outlaws groups from sharing food with the hungry. >> stephen: busted for feeding the homeless in public! >> audience: booing.
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>> stephen: oh, yeah, booo! i'm angry at him, too. i say if the homeless want to eat they should do it in the privacy of their own wherever those people live. and this monster cannot claim he did not know better because he was doing all this out of a church kitchen. so, clearly, heenes what jesus said in matthew, "if i was hungry and you gave me something to eat. i was thirsty and-- look out! the cops are here. hide the loaves in the "k"." and i am glad-- they caught up with him eventually eye am amed glad to hear the police used maximum force to take the perp down. >> one of the police officers came over and said, "drop that plate, right now." as though i was carrying a weapon. >> stephen: oh, food is much worse than weapons in florida. if george zimmerman had fed a guy in a hoodie, he'd number jail. and, folks, ft. lauderdale. ( cheers and applause )
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we miss you, george. folks, ft. lauderdale needs these laws. just ask ft. lauderdale's mayor. >> we enforce the laws here in ft. lauderdale. >> they will be arrested. if they break the law and it's observed by one of our law enforcement officers they will be arrested. >> the mayor said he needs to look out for the good of all people in ft. lauderdale, including taxpayer taxpayers ans who want to use parks and beaches without being overrun by the homes. >> reporter: he must protect the tourism industry and a bunch of drunk people urinating on the beach is that industry. ( cheers and applause ). never once went to spring break. besides, ft. lauderdale is really looking out for the homeless. >> this is a public safety issue. it's a public health issue. the expert have all said-- if
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you are going to simply feed them outdoors to get them from breakfast to lunch to dinner, all you're doing is enabling that sieblg of homesness. >> stephen: yes, by feeding them, abbott is causing them to be homeless. he's really a food pusher. and for decades, this serial offender-- i assume he serves breakfast oofs down in his lab getting people hooked on the products or as it's known by its street names, nosh, grub, chow. some of the people were so addicted, they needed their fix three times a day. and with hardened crooks like grandpa here, these homeless will just want more and more. they'll come to expect food whenever they see humans around. oh, they're smart little critters. some of them even know how to pry the lid off a trash can. so, ft. lauderdale, do what i do at the end of the day-- tie your humanity in a bag, hang it in a tree. that way they can't get at it.
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folks, you know, they say music soothes the savage beast, but i prefer to snort ground-up zopiclone. this is cheating death with dr dr. stephen t. colbert d.f.a. ( cheers and applause ) first, folks a disclaimer-- i am not a medical doctor. i have an honorary doctorate in fine arts. ( laughter ) i can't treat your rash, but i can compare it faiferlably to a jackson pollock. as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceutical. prescott-- the more pills you take, the more chances you have to win. ( laughter ) first up, aging. folks, nobody wants to get older. that's why i was so excited to hear about a breakthrough treatment that allows scientists to reverse the aging process in mice.
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which means you can now turn back the clock and relive the early vital days of your rodent infestation. even better, the man in charge of the study, harvard professor of genetics, david sinclair, says this age reversal could work in humans. and i believe him. this is what he looked like two weeks ago. according to his study, the secret lies in a molecule called n.m.n. because when scientists fed the molecule to mice, they noticed it reversed aging completely in their muscles, meaning this drug could give you the muscle tone of a 20-year-old and allow you to spend a whole other lifetime not going to the gym. ( laughter ) if the promise of this research is realized, people everywhere could increase their lifespan to ages unseen in human history. so there will be so many people turning 100, that willard scott and smuckers will have their own channel. ( laughter ) and, yes, willard scott will still be around, and, yes,
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willard scott is still around. ( laughter ) , of course, with many fewer people dying and just as many being born the fight for scarce resources is going to get tougher, which is why prescott pharmaceutical is provide to introduce its age-reversal supplement, i can stick. if your ir-- vaxa-pointy-stick. is you are backed into a corner fending off starving hardcovers clamoring for a bite of your squirrel carcass, just administer a dose of vaxa-pointy-stick. repeat add necessary to eliminate harmful other people. side effects of vaxa-pointy-stick include mahoga-knees, chicken fingers, and the oxford coma. secondly, women's health. >> oh! >> stephen: folks, as you know, i have long supported the fight against breast cancer. in 2010, not only did i race for the cure but when no one was
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looking, i also took a cab for cure. ( laughter ) as a confirmed abuseom buddy was thrilled to hear a story about the chilean city of antofagasta to contained extras. >> it contained 80 times the arsenic levels recommended by the world health organization. >> stephen: thoorkts the world health organization has a recommended level of arsenic, and it's not zero. ( laughter ) the town started using that water in 1958, and fortunately for residents, the toxin was discovered immediately 12 years later. but every municipal poisoning story has a silver lining. >> surprisingly, the researchers found the chemical was linked to a 50% drop in deaths from breast cancer. >> stephen: folks, this is fantastic news. finally, a feel-good story about industrial runoff. sure, your neighborhood solvent plant may have created sexually ambiguous trout, but their
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breasts are cancer free. and, folks, when you think known toxins. ( cheers and applause ) gone to my head? sure. ( laughter ) when-- folks, when you think known toxins, you think prescott pharmaceutical. which is why tonight, prescott is proud to introduce chernobyl springs. with more than a million times the recommended daily allowance of vitamin u-235. it will marie curie what ails. it even feeds evian in a blind taste test in that all tasters were rendered blind. most important question is does it cure cancer? we have no idea.
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but we do know that it causes cancer, so if in a few years you don't get cancer, congratulations. it cures you. ( laughter ) side effects of chernobyl springs include ukraine in the membrane. atomic fireballs, and bonus ear. well, that's it for cheating death, brought to you by prescott pharmaceutical. prescott-- you can't prove that's a baboon kidney. until next time, i'll see you in hell! ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra.
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subway big hot pastrami. pastra-me! (laughs)
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pastra-me. pastra-meee! pastrami! get your own big hot pastrami melt! subway. eat fresh. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back. thanks so much, everybody. nation, nation, tuesday's election loss was an historic loss for the democratic party. i'd say they got their asses handed to them but i don't believe in hand-the ows. you have to earn that ass, democrats. you descroant to worry about global warming anymore because the senate sure won't. >> the environmental committee, currently run, liberal democrat, global warming believer, barbara boxer, replaced probably by james inhoffe, conservative from oklahoma who is as much of an opponent or skeptic about global warming as there. >> stephen: yes, the global warming believer is out and the
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global warming skeptic is in, so finally the environmental committee can focus on important issues like who's stealing all our polar bears? and senator james inhoffe is not your run-of-the-mill climate change denier. you could say he wrote the book on it because he wrote the book on it. "the greatest hoax: how the global warming conspiracy threatens your future." >> audience: boo. >> stephen: ooh, yeah. it is exciting. it's like harry potter for people who thought harry potter had too much science in it. of course, not all republicans. ( cheers and applause ) , of course, not all republicans are as bold as inhofe. in the face of overwhelming so-called evidence and actually called evidence, they deployed a brilliant tactic during this last campaign. case in point-- newly elected texas land commissioner george p. bush-- nephew of george w.
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bush, grandson of george h.w. bush, and future father of george underscore bush-- listened to george p., or p.-biddy. >> how big a threat is climate change to the texas coastline? >> the texas coastline is impacted by rising sea levels. and, again, the question is whether or not that's manmade, and i'll leave that to the scientists. >> but you don't doubt human activity contributes to climate change? >> we'll see in terms of the science, in terms-- there's a wide range that has been discussed. again, i'm not a scientist by every stretch, but everywhere from no impact at all to 100%. >> stephen: yeah, he's no scientist. he's no scientist. in fact, i'm impressed he was able to narrow it down from 0 to 100%. how impressed am i? somewhere between 0 and 100%. ( cheers and applause )
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and, folks, george p. not alone. >> i'm not a scientist nor am i a physicist. >> i'm not qualified to debate the science over climate change. >> i'm not a scientist. >> i'm not a scientist. >> what i have said repeatedly is i'm not a scientist. >> stephen: yes, everyone who denies manmade climate change has the same stirring message-- we don't know what the ( bleep ) we're talking about. ( cheers and applause ). and i hope, i hope, i hope that these conservative leaders can inspire all the children out there watching to think to themselves, hey, maybe some day i could grow up to be not a scientist. well, kids, now there's a fun way to explore your own lack of curiosity at home. it's time for my educational series "professor not a scientist." all you need is a glass casserole dish, okay. then one of your mom's pitchers filled with blue water. and get a detailed topographical
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model of america. don't be afraid to ask your parents for help hiring a props department to make this one for you. all right, let's begin. there you go. uh-oh! now what appears to be happening is that the water is rise. why? one theor sei don't know, i'm not a scientist. oh, look, there goes florida. and there's no way of knowing why. remember, kids, if you get unhooked on science early, maybe some day, you could completely lack any understanding of science and then grow up to be the chairman of the senate environmental committee. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. ever since we launched snapshot, my life has been positively cray-cray.
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what's snapshot, you ask? only a revolutionary tool that can save you big-time. just plug it in, and the better you drive, the more cash you'll stash. switching to progressive can already save ye $500. snapshot could save ye even more. meat maiden! bringeth to me thine spiciest wings of buffalo. this veteran's day, denny's would like to say thank you to all american veterans with a free build your own grand slam breakfast. denny's. welcome to america's diner.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book and tv series called "how we got to now." please welcome steven johnson! ( cheers and applause ) hey, steven, good to see you. how are you? thanks for coming back. third time here. three time's a charm you loosened your tie. looking casual. >> i wore a tie. >> stephen: sir, you are the author of eight bested selling books including "everything bad is good for you" and "where good ideas come from."
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let latest is "how we got to now." six innovation maz made the modern world. >> is america one of those innovations. there are a number of americans in the book, so if that's enough to satisfy you. >> stephen: what are the six innovations. >> one of them is a glass of clean drinking water in a large metropolitan city. that is can extraordinary breakthrough. >> stephen: which is the innovation, the glass or the water? the water. the fact that you can drink a glass of water from a tap and not worry about dying of typhoid three days later. >> stephen: you can, but, of course, you're going to drink mountain dew. so water. >> yeah, artificial light. >> stephen: there we go. >> it's easy to record the sound and transmit the sound -- >> stephen: we're doing that, too. >> the simple material glass, which was arguably the single most important material of the last 1,000 years. >> stephen: the glass lenses. >> and then there is clocks and
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time. without accurate measurement of time and cold-- technologies of refrigeration and air conditioning. >> stephen: so, clocks, we're on a certain time right now. >> yeah. >> stephen: and refrigeration. i'm super cool. so all of the-- what do you mean refrigeration? refrigerators actually have a lot of those things, too. they refrigerate, light inside, glass shelves, water out of door. >> you brought it all together. >> stephen: wait, so how did we get to now? how did we get refrigeration? that's actually-- >> so refrigeration, that story begins with a crazy guy named frederick tutor who in the early 1800s had this idea that he could take large blocks of ice from frozen new england lakes and ship them all the way to reo, and bomb bay and the the caribbean, sell it to these
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people in hot places in the world. if you were growing up in the caribbean in 1800 you would have never experienced ice in any form. he actually managed to do this. >> stephen: then how did they make those delicious daiquiris. >> exactly. they had no idea. >> stephen: before, that their dak reas were hot? >> steaming hot daiquiri. it was delightful. ( laughter ) you know, the pool scene was really disappointing. it was like, this is so hot. but here's the thing. he actually manages to get these blocks of ice there which is amazing he got it there without it melting. but when it arrived, people are like, "what am i going to do with that? i've been living here 500 years and never had any issue needing ice," so no one wanted to buy it. he had to convince people that ice cream was a nice thing and having daiquiri by the pool was a nice thing and eventually made hundred of millions of dollars shipping ice blocks around the world. >> stephen: but that's not air conditioning.
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i don't mean to bloat doors off your book. so-- >> i'm not a scientist, so i don't -- >> stephen: okay, perfect. now, here's the thing, i love books like this. i love tv shows like this. loif watching this stuff. i don't want to use any of this information in policy making. this is a very similar show on pbs. this is a very popular book. how come politicians don't want to use the science? why do they run away from it when they get to office? >> i think because sometimes science asks that we alter our behavior in some way. one of the ways ac, once it was introduced, all these people migrated -- it triggered the largest migration of human beings in the history of the united states where they moved to the sunbelt and moved to florida and these desert states where maybe that many people shouldn't actually be living. and it triggered climate problems, and when you look at the climate science, it does require sometimes that people actually change their behavior and people don't like to hear
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that. >> stephen: air conditioning itselfs moved people to part of the world that were normally too hot to live in and then they needed more air conditioning to cool it down. why don't we build a bigger air conditioner for the entire earth? >> you may be on to something. >> stephen: how did air conditioning lead to reagan? >> that's the thing, all these people-- it's true. i know this is important because he's a hero of yours. right after air conditioning is introduced, there's a mass migration to the south, and that ends up triggering a huge swing in the electoral college air, 60-vote swing from the north to the south and reagan wins in 1980 built around this sunbelt coalition that simply didn't exist 30 or 40 years ago. without air conditioning, it's entirely possible ronald reagan would not have been elected president of the united states. >> stephen: so the greatest gift god ever gave mankind was freon. that and five other great inventions. thank you so much. steven johnson, "how we got to
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